April 2007 Blogs
April 2007
In which I quit the toxic job with nothing else lined up, and my friends offer me an all-expenses-paid trip to California for eight days.
April 4, 2007
I’m in San Francisco right now, sitting at a table in Bimbo’s, a rock club that used to be a strip club. I flew in last night on Jet Blue, an airline known for its legroom and free television. The presence of TV, a narcotic, rendered Xanax unnecessary, which is a mercy because I’m not on health insurance right now and so could not lay my hands on any tranquilizers.
Thanks to the largesse of my friends Mike and Micah, I will be in California for eight days. I happened to mention when Mike was having dinner at our place that Micah had offered to pay all my expenses in California if only I could get the plane ticket. Then Mike offered his ticket voucher, and here I am, eternally grateful and bowled over by the kindness of my friends.
It’s difficult to receive all this pleasure graciously, until I remember that I’m a good friend too, and I take care of my friends whenever I can.
The airport security is as ridiculous as ever. I read the TSA.gov Web site carefully and thought I had all my toiletries packed correctly, but I still had to have my bag ransacked by a cute and achingly freshfaced young Latino, who informed me that my cosmetic bag was not regulation, as the mesh was not completely clear but was bordered on top and bottom by opaque black strips. He removed my toothpaste, deodorant, and hand cream into a Ziploc bag and sent me on my way. This seems a good time to switch to baking powder deodorant and toothpaste.
It was a relatively smooth flight; I didn’t cry once. I did gasp aloud and pray a few times during some particularly bad turbulence, but for me that is restrained behavior. Not that my loudness would have mattered so much to the lady sitting next to me, an octogenarian of some deafness, judging by the decibel level of her own speech.
I’m sitting in Bimbo’s right now because Mike is working today, loading in equipment to this venue for a show that’s taking place tonight. I feel a little like a girl again, accompanying my father to work. Mike being a Leo and my dad being an Aries, both fire signs, there is a similarity to the flash in which they accomplish things; men of action.
Having just met Mike’s coworkers, I can see exactly how he fits into this work, how he would find it satisfying to be around bluff and charming men who are strong and possess a lot of technical knowhow and mechanical skill. He’s always got to have the latest technical gizmos, and he enjoys enormously explaining all the arcane functions on them.
One of the most entertaining parts of Jet Blue is the cross-promotional advertising, which suggests that Three Blind Moose Merlot was chosen expressly to complement the Doritos Munchie Mix.
As we were landing last night, descending through the black sky with the haze absorbing the lights so that it looked like a gauzy black evening dress that has been sitting in the attic gathering dust, I had the impression of a gorgeous blond butterscotch woman lying on her side, an odalisque—and that was San Francisco.
I am delighted to be on the West Coast for Easter Week, which is one of my favorite weeks in the year, and the only time in the Christian calendar I still enjoy. Looking forward to the Hunky Jesus contest.
We had breakfast this morning at Rocco’s, a café South of Market Street, I believe. It has happy yellow walls plastered with photos of former patrons, and it’s famous for its frittatas.
I think in part I was not so terrified of flying this time because I’m getting more used to surrender, remembering what that feels like. All my life I have felt that I must be on top of everything, in control. NO wonder I have alternated periods of intense activity with equally intense periods of stupor, recharging myself like a tuber underground in the shuddering dark.
Knocking oneself out of a routine has the distinct advantage of giving the illusion of outrunning one’s problems, the damage waiting inside like a clot.
Such change also shakes loose a lot of panic and existential dread. When I work through that, then I can start enjoying myself, choosing a future based on what pleases me rather than letting fear shape my path. I wonder how much people can truly change?
True love is one of the things that changes people. Rod has tamed me, and in begging me to quit this job he has just freed up the wildness inside me. I called Rod when my plane touched down; he sounded sad in a way that I’ve rarely heard him sound. Said he missed me already. I shouldn’t wonder if he’s experiencing a mild freakout about whether I’ll come back, as I’ve always wanted to relocate to California and now’s the perfect time to do so, since I’m jobless at the moment.
Sunday night Rod made steamed mussels in a white wine sauce, and pommes frite with hand-whisked aioli. I have a sneaking suspicion he made that gorgeous meal as an added inducement for me to return from the West Coast.
Loving Rod has allowed me to love everything else. This is what’s meant by redemption, I guess.
April 5, 2007
Mike and I had lunch with one of his coworkers yesterday, who has a daughter. He mentioned that he often advises the girl to count her blessings, because life is hard and it only gets harder.
I think that’s terrible advice, and I told him so.
My life has gotten easier the older I get. Of course I have kept my health so far; not sure how well I’ll deal with aging and illness. But I richly enjoy the comparative level of detachment that comes with age.
After lunch I walked to Fisherman’s Wharf, which was packed with tourists. Saw the sea lions.
San Francisco is seven miles in each direction, so it is possible to walk across the city in a day. I walked from Fisherman’s Wharf along the Embarcadero the the Ferry Building to meet Micah, and then we took the BART back to his apartment in Oakland and drank tea and snacked and listened to music and caught up.
This morning I made coffee in a French press machine, which was so extraordinarily delicious that I’m never going back to a percolator. Yay, Peet’s Coffee!
This afternoon I walked up Market Street and browsed around in the gigantic five-floor mall, the Westfield Centre—mainly because there’s a Peet’s Coffee in there and Micah gave me two coupons for a free cup of coffee. I have traveled all over the world just to sit in cafes drinking coffee and writing. It is my number-one favorite thing to do.
Now I’m at a Peet’s Coffee on Mission Street, which runs parallel to Market Street, where Micah’s office is.
I pulled the Strength tarot card today, which means I should have plenty of energy to go around.
April 6
I pulled the Justice card today, which has to do with staying connected to the flow of the way things are. If you look closely at the card, you see that everything is connected. The three fates are touching the trees and the water. What does connection have to do with Justice? We are so used to thinking of revenge as justice; that is, we expect that whatever we want to happen immediately to satisfy our small desires is what should happen. The Justice card presents another vision, which is if you can tune in to what is happening, you’ll see it’s all happening just the way it’s supposed to. A card that suggests you get out of your own way and really be here in the world, trust the world.
April 7
We had such a busy day yesterday and most of today that I haven’t had a chance to write. Yesterday after breakfast Micah and I went into San Francisco, where we got off at the Civic Center BART stop and went to the public library, then hooked up with Mike to take a trip to Sonoma Valley for wine tasting.
On the way, we stoppedin Berkeley at the Berkeley Bowl. I feel instantly in love with the landscaping and architecture of Berkeley, and I could envision living there in a heartbeat.
The Berkeley Bowl is a supermarket with a gigantic organic produce section, plus everything else you could ever want. We got all the provisions for a picnic: a ciabatta loaf, some Emmentaler, gouda, and a wine-soaked goat cheese, olives, grapes, chocolate, and salami.
Then we high-tailed it up to Sonoma to taste wine. Our palates stayed sharp for only three or four wines, although we tasted about six, starting with a chardonnay that almost made me gag, flooding my mouth with the taste of boiled eggs and stale grass.
We went on to pinot noir, then cabernet, then a blend of several red wines, and finally a couple of red zinfandels. I never knew there was such a thing as a red zinfandel, but the sommelier told us that in wine country it is understood that “zinfandel” means red zin.
Micah bought me a bottle to go with the three bottles he’s already got for me. It seems I’ll be bringing home a case of wine, which is the best possible gift I could get for Rod.
The drive to Sonoma was certainly beautiful. It’s stretched-out farmland stippled with trellises for grape arbors, so that the entire landscape appears to bristle and undulate as you drive through it. And on tp a sky that reminds me of a cathedral, vast and golden blue and white.
We had a tailgate party to cleanse our palates of the wine and ended up doing small dances of joy in the parking lot as we ate, the food was so scrumptious. Whenever I have a meal like that, I’m reminded that my peasant ancestors probably ate like that every day: bread, cheese, olives, wine.
When we’d had our fill, we drove back to Oakland for a showing of Pan’s Labyrinth at the Parkway Theatre, which is a second-run theater that also serves food and wine. It’s an old theater that still has the original architecture, such as pillars carved with sphinxes, and red velvet curtains. The food they served looked amazing: artisanal cheese pizzas, wine, salads.
I’m glad I got to see Pan’s Labyrinth on a big screen. The visuals were absolutely amazing, the narrative gripping, and the tropes of the fantasy genre fresh. All told, though, it was difficult to watch, as are all stories about the epic battle of good and evil, depending whether you’re an optimist or a pessimist.
After the movie we drove into San Francisco for Thai food at a place called Manora, which is South of Market (SoMa), where we ordered family style and it turned out we all chose dishes that each of us had wanted to try: Pad Thai, chicken with Japanese eggplant, and a crab omelet. We started with some apps of spring rolls and chicken larb, which is a salad done with a light lime cilantro dressing. I’m a whore for cilantro.
All the food was so light and fresh, I was forced to admit that it was better even than my beloved Pam Real Thai in Hell’s Kitchen.
Rod is reposing in the bosom of his family this weekend and has not called me today WHATEVER. He’s probably playing some dorky board game.
Okay, I just checked my phone, and he did call me. I called him back, and I was right: He and his family are playing a board game, Monsters Menace America. Sarah’s winning.
Mike and I are doing laundry at Brainwash, the best Laundromat ever. It’s a café, it sells alcohol, and there are pinball machines. If we had places like this in NYC, I would always volunteer to do the laundry.
